Where can I start with this one? HotCandyLand.com is a website that features a massive browser-based RPG-style game known as you guessed it – Hot Candy Land. Your mission in this game is to be the most dominant pimp and porn caster/actor in ‘Pornwood’, a fictional version of real-life Hollywood. You start off by moving into a shitty dorm with nothing but 200$ in your pocket and slowly rise through the ranks of pimps, Pornwood casters, and various people and organizations around you until you become the toughest pimp and hottest name in porn in all of Pornwood. I could easily see the 12-year-old version of myself getting immersed in this game and playing it for hours on end, and it’s really not that bad if you want to kill some time by playing a mind-numbingly boring game.
If you’re a functioning (or semi-functioning) adult who's decided to spend your time playing a game that was obviously designed for pre-teen boys then you might either get really immersed into the world of ‘Pornwood’ which it so cheaply presents, or you might knock it off after a few minutes of playing because you’ve seen just about everything there is to see in that time – the choice depends on your IQ, attention span, and most of all your priorities. If you have nothing better to do than spend hours on a browser-based porn game with crudely-drawn Western-style art then you should definitely give this game a try.
Point and Click Gameplay
There really is nothing too captivating or dynamic about this game’s gameplay – the whole gameplay is based on point and click mechanics which take you all across Pornwood as you beat up rival pimps, have sex with cougars, earn money and star in porno flicks. As soon as you start this game you’re introduced to a helpful blonde that talks you through the entire goddamn game – as it wasn’t simplified for you enough. The people who made this game knew that only the most dimwitted people could possibly enjoy playing it, and they knew exactly what would keep their minuscule reward centers buzzing: A bikini-clad cartoon blonde that tells you exactly what you need to do in order to progress through this game. Now you can always turn her off and go around by yourself to explore the world of Pornwood, but the game isn’t really that challenging, to begin with, so I don’t see why you would want to distract yourself with such trivialities.
The protagonist in this game looks like he came out of a Cartoon network cartoon from the early 2000s judging by the way he’s drawn and stylized. Every character in this game is put together using a distinct, Western cartoon style that looks admittedly wacky and a little too cartoony for my taste. Don’t expect to see any enticing anime babes or sexy, nicely drawn and shaded art in this browser-based game - unless you’re extremely turned on by half-nude cartoon babes that look like they belong in a 2000s Hannah Barbera production (which you encounter literally everywhere you go in this game), then chances are you probably won’t find this game very fap-worthy.
No Actual Sex Scenes
Despite having a fuckload of content enough to keep you engaged for days as well as hundreds of characters and other things implemented into its world, Hot Candy Land doesn’t exactly feature actual sex scenes, which is extremely disappointing because it goes against its own purpose of being an interactive XXX game. For example, when you go out and fuck a prostitute or cougar, you don’t see any actual sex going on – all you see is the prostitute and/or cougar you fucked laying on a bed, looking like she just had sex. Even more, when you film your own porno and by extension star in it as the main male actor, you get to pick what kind of scenes you want to film as well as the models who will star in them.
Let’s say you pick ‘POV’ porn and decide to film it with an actress you pick up, (POV-style porn is one of the first styles you can film pornos in because you won’t have any experience with filming as a beginner) – you set everything in order and begin filming, but once it starts you don’t see the actress you picked sucking your dick or getting fucked by you from a POV aspect. Even if you rent out a XXX movie and play it in your room, you still won’t get to see any actual sex – the most porn you’ll see in this entire fucking game is naked women and naked dicks (you can have penis contests with other dudes).
Despite the Lack of Sex Scenes, There’s a Lot of Activities You Can Do
What’s probably the most captivating thing about this game is the fact that it lets you do a ton of different activities while you’re playing through it. This is a step-up in quality from most browser-based XXX games which only let you do a handful of things throughout them, but really all this game is doing with this is increasing the number of things to do while holding the same quality of gameplay for all of them. You may be able to buy houses, join pimp gangs, enlarge your penis size, enter penis competitions, get beauty treatments done, buy new cars, cast for pornos, learn how to film movies, search for and ‘fuck’ prostitutes, fight rival pimp gangs, buy clothes and do almost everything you can in a traditional Grand Theft Auto game, but all it takes to do this is just a few clicks, and none of it is particularly challenging.
Money is exceptionally easy to earn in this game, you don’t need to solve any riddles or play some hard mini-games to progress to new milestones, and you definitely don’t get to see any sex scenes after you have sex with a female in this game, so both the gameplay and the rewards are extremely mediocre – all you do is click around the minimap and on NPCs until you can obtain the items and money necessary to expand your dominance on Pornwood and battle with rival pimp gangs, which again is done by clicking the mouse on a simple option menu and that’s that.
Even the Dating Sim Part of This Game is Mediocre
A large part of these browser-based XXX flash games has always been meeting new women and talking to them until you get lucky. This dating sim mechanic has been prevalent in thousands of XXX browser-based flash games – some of them have complicated dialogue options meant to test your wits, some are moderately-challenging and others such as the ones in Hot Candy Land are extremely basic and very easy to predict. You can literally get lucky with any new woman you meet in this game on the first date, which just confirms to me that this game was literally made for people under 90 IQ who can’t hold onto a train of thought if their lives depended on it.
Easy Challenge, Shitty Rewards
If I was to put the whole gameplay experience of this game into a paragraph, I’d say the following: Hot Candy Land is a game made for idiots who like to play games with one hand on their dick and another on their mouse, because that’s literally how this game is played. Not one part of it is challenging or makes you stop and think about what you should do – It’s a literal ‘clickthrough’ of badly-drawn cartoons that might look borderline arousing to someone with a hardcore Western cartoon fetish. It would’ve fared much better if it had any actual sex scenes since it is embarrassingly easy to get laid in it, but since it doesn’t even have sex scenes the best you could hope for is a badly-drawn pair of boobs and some ass here and there. If you consider yourself a moron, then, by all means, play this game.